As I sit here on the plane, I am realizing just how much cooler Will gets every day. He and I don’t get to spend as much time together as I’d like because of my crazy work demands. However, when we do spend time together its awesome. I usually choose to be the one next to Will when we fly. Mostly because it’s a solid 2-3 hrs of mama-son bonding. We play cars, watch Moe Mou (Mickey Mouse) on his iphone and read a book together. I always pack a backpack for him with all kinds of activities and his favorite toys including the Flying Lion. I love to watch him slowly take out each item and light up from ear to ear as he makes his discoveries. At this moment he is enjoying his stickers… he loves them and is putting them all over the plane and himself!
I don’t blog much these days because I don’t have time, but right now for some reason I want to capture this moment and my thoughts. Why? Not because I haven’t already been on a plane with Will many times before (probably too many), but because I am realizing how at this moment I am the luckiest person alive and I need to keep this feeling strong to help me thru the next few days. I have a wonderful husband to one side of me and an amazing son to the other. Tomorrow we head to Dupont Children’s Hospital for a pre-op visist and then Friday for surgery, Will’s first surgery with us as his parents. Bill and I are internally FREAKING OUT, but externally trying to keep it all together.
You see, for us as parents, we have been down this road before as patients, and I have been down this road as a doctor and caring for patients in my shoes. While I was at work yesterday, apparently Bill broke down crying listening to Will laugh in the living room with his nanny. I have not cried yet, but am sure I will. All that keeps going thru my head is how I can’t even think or imagine anything bad happening because I fear it will. I don’t even want to say out loud what I am afraid could happen or fear might happen because I fear it could be well….. So I am trying now to keep happy and keep it together. Be strong for Will, who at this moment doesn’t have a clue what is about to happen and for my husband who needs one of us to keep it together.
I know that this surgery is something Will needs and we are going to the best place I know that specializes in skeletal dysplasias, but none of that helps as all I keep thinking about is how human all doctors and nurses are and all I want them to do on Friday is be on their A game and not make any mistakes. I want them to first and foremost keep my son safe. Not only as a physician do I know too much, but as a simulation educator where my job is understand and prevent medical errors from happening, I know even more and it’s all terrifying.
The goal is to help Will to hear better so he can start to speak more, breath better when he sleeps, and identify if he needs surgery to open up a narrow foramen magnum. All these are important and necessary, but still not without risk.
I think there is no way to prepare for your son to go into surgery. All I can do is pray and be strong for him! He is the tough one right now and I love him more than anything!